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There's no time limit on grieving. I've been told this a lot recently. It's about a month and a half now since I lost my brother. Lost. It's a funny word to use as if I misplaced him somewhere. Some days I am angry. I don't mean annoyed I mean hatred for everything and everyone. A good friend summed it up as when you want to destroy something beautiful. There are days of sadness. When tears ebb and flo as easily as breathing. And I can't stop them. They stream washing away my make-up exclaiming my pain to the world. Mostly when I don't want it to. There are days of guilt when I think I could have done more. We could always have done more but even when you know it at the time you pretend you didn't cos it's easier than facing the guilt of "yes. I was selfish. I didn't think enough of you" but now I can't stop. There are days of regret. When one moment could have changed everything. There are days of blame when it has to be someone's fault. How could 3 doctors and 2 endoscopys miss a tumour the size of a golf ball sticking out someone's neck. There are days of shock. When it feels like a dream. Like there's no way it's real! There are days of nothing. These days hurt the most. Nothing. What do you do with that? I don't care. I don't want to care. I don't want to move. I don't want anything. Don't want to breathe, live, hurt I don't know which day I'll face tomorrow. I never know. I just hope it gets better and a little easier than the day before.

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